This past week Pope Francis issued a statement that allows priests throughout the entire Roman Catholic Church to bless same-sex couples. This was not really a surprise, as a letter he had sent to two conservative cardinals laid the groundwork for this decision. Even so, his words sent shock waves throughout the religious community.

People on both sides of the gay marriage issue found things to applaud and things to criticize. Some were glad that Francis did not go so far as to allow what would basically be a marriage rite for gay couples. But these same people were disappointed that he made any change at all to his previous statement that you “cannot bless sin.” Some were thrilled with what they saw as a positive step forward, but upset that he did not go so far as to fully approve of gay marriage. All that said, what I found most interesting was the following quote:

“(The church) must avoid doctrinal or disciplinary schemes, especially when they lead to a narcissistic and authoritarian elitism whereby instead of evangelizing, one analyzes and classifies others, and instead of opening the door to grace, one exhausts his or her energies in inspecting and verifying.”

Basically, the Pope was saying church leaders must take care to prioritize reaching people with the Gospel and sharing God’s grace, instead of judging them in such a way that we feel better about ourselves and classify others as somehow more sinful than we are. 

Many LGBTQ people know and have experienced exactly what the Pope is talking about. Seeking understanding and acceptance in the church, they instead have found scrutiny and legalism. Where they were hoping to find healing and encouragement they found words and actions that left behind wounds and scars.

The document further said:

“Ultimately, a blessing offers people a means to increase their trust in God. The request for a blessing, thus, expresses and nurtures openness to the transcendence, mercy, and closeness to God in a thousand concrete circumstances of life, which is no small thing in the world in which we live.”

People are looking to connect with the God that created them. They are looking for something to anchor them in the storms of life. They are seeking “a baby wrapped in swaddling clothes, and lying in a manger.” 

Faced with the opportunity to be people of blessing and grace, how can we do anything except leap at the opportunity to love and to care?

I have heard the story again and again. The whole family is gathered together for Thanksgiving (or Christmas, or New Year’s) and someone asks for everyone’s attention. They have an announcement to make. It may go something like this…

“I want you all to know that I am gay. And my friend Stephen who is going to stop by for dessert later? He’s not just my friend, but we are together. I hope you guys will come to love him as I do.”

-or-

“Please call me River moving forward. I’ve known for quite a while now that I am trans and hope you will use she/her when referring to me. You all mean a lot to me and your support is really important to me.”

When parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, or others tell me this story, they are normally struggling to understand how best to respond. They often feel like they didn’t react well in the moment, and are looking for advice on how to move forward. If you find yourself in this situation right now, here is what I would recommend:

1. Reach out to them as soon as possible. Coming out to the family took a huge amount of courage. Whether people reacted well or poorly in the moment, he/she/they are nervously waiting to see what happens next. Call or text them. Find a time to get together if they are close. FaceTime or Zoom with them so they can see your face, because they are looking for both verbal and nonverbal signs that you still love and accept them. Don’t leave them hanging. Connect quickly and assure them that you care.

2. Ask them how they feel they were received. Don’t be surprised if they have some fears and concerns. Remind them that, while they have been thinking and living with this for a long time (sometimes for years!) this is all new to you. Ask for their patience and help. 

3. Use their preferred name and pronouns. You might feel reluctant to do that for religious or political reasons. Get over it! There is nothing sinful or socially irresponsible in calling people what they want to be called. You aren’t condoning anything or making a political statement. You are simply being caring and polite. 

4. Listen to their story. Ask about how they came to understand this aspect of their life. One of the greatest gifts we can give to another person is our undivided attention as they share what has been going on in their life. 

5. Tell them clearly that there is nothing they could ever do that would make you stop loving and caring for them. Whatever happens, you will be there for them. 

6. Finally, make sure you are clear on how “out” they are. Is it OK if you tell others about this, or is this just for immediate family to know about for now? If they want the broader family and friend circles to know, ask how you can help. If they want this information held more closely, promise you will honor their wishes. (And keep that promise!)

While your holiday went very differently than you planned, the moment when someone shares something deep and personal with those closest to them is precious and sacred. It may have caused you anxiety and fear because you love this person and their future now looks different than you envisioned. You may even feel a little resentful, because the “peaceful family gathering” you hoped for didn’t happen. (Does it ever? LOL) 

But I promise you, as time goes on this new perspective of someone you love will feel more and more normal. In fact, you may find it harder and harder to think about them as you did in the past. And for them, not having to hide something so important from their family is an amazing feeling. Future family gatherings can be the best ever as everyone can relax and be their best selves. Isn’t that what family is all about?

In Western culture today, both in the “secular world” and among many Christians, the institution of marriage is a mess.

Most people would say that marriage should be based in love, and by that they mean romantic love. (The Bible uses the word “eros” for this kind of love.) Love is that funny feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you think of the other person. The joy you find in being together, and the longing you experience when you are apart. You tell your friends, “this may be the one!” And if that feeling lasts… you get married. 

Even when that feeling fades (and it always does) most marriages are based in “getting my needs met.” We are together with the other person because they meet our emotional, physical, and sexual needs and desires. We enjoy spending time together (for the most part) and there is mutual benefit from the relationship. Of course, that can change. One or both of the partners may no longer feel like they are getting their needs met. Or they no longer find it beneficial to be together. Or maybe they find they just don’t like each other very much. In these cases the marriage ends. 

The Bible paints a very different picture of marriage! From God’s perspective, marriage was designed to give us a place to live out a different kind of love. “Agape” love is love that is unconditional and is focused on the needs and desires of the other, not one’s self. The Bible says things like, “submit to one another, out of reverence for Christ.” Submission is all about setting aside one’s own needs and desires for the sake of the other. The goal of Biblical marriage is two people who are so focused on each other that there would never be a thought of bringing that marriage to an end. Biblical marriage is about self-sacrificial love and unconditional commitment to another person for life.

When we consider marriage among Christians, I see two huge problems. The first is this: most Christian marriages look much more like the worldly form of marriage than the one the Bible describes. Christians choose their spouse and decide to marry using the same criteria the rest of the world does. Many Christian couples treat one another the same way their non-believing friends do. Divorce rates among Christians are about the same as in the secular world. 

The second problem more insidious, especially when you consider the first. Many Christian churches teach that marriage is the ultimate goal and expression of relationships in life. Young Christian men and women are encouraged to find a Christian spouse so they can experience God’s blessing in their life and live out his plan for believers. In my own denomination I have even heard church officials say the ultimate form of evangelism is “good Lutheran couples having lots of good Lutheran babies.” All this totally ignores the fact that Jesus never married, and that the New Testament also lifts up singleness as a calling and gift from God. The Apostle Paul actually writes that singleness is to be preferred over marriage! (see 1 Corinthians 7) Yet many Christian communities seem to marginalize adults who are not married. 

Think of the effect this has on LGBTQ people. In many cases it is the same churches that lift up marriage as the ultimate goal for all people that then tell LGBTQ people that marriage is not an option for them. The not-so-subtle message is, “If you are single there is something wrong with you because God has not blessed you with a spouse, unless of course you are gay and then being single is what God requires of you.”

And when churches DO approve of LGBTQ people marrying, what they are basically doing is inviting them into the same unbiblical ideas about marriage that most Christians have. There is no call to see marriage differently than the rest of the world, and to truly give yourself in sacrificial love to another person. 

What a mess.

The mass transit system in Chicago uses electric trains. The cars run on two normal tracks for the train wheels and an electrified third rail that supplies the power. I remember from little on being told by my parents to “never touch the third rail!”

Apparently I have “touched the third rail” with my blog posts about drag.

I have written a number of things on this blog that might be seen by some in the church as controversial. I am passionate about showing God’s love and grace to LGBTQ people and believe we let our personal prejudices and fears make it harder to do that than it should be. I don’t think anyone needs to compromise their doctrine or understanding of God’s Word to be kind and let God’s love predominate in their interactions with LGBTQ people. And I believe the “drag show” issue is a kind of a side issue that does not normally impact Christians and churches as they interact with LGBTQ people. 

So imagine my shock when it was my posts on drag, written in response to questions I have been asked by other pastors, that prompted the harshest response from some people in my denomination! I won’t go into any detail, but let’s just say it has been an interesting week. And it wasn’t what I wrote as much as what people assumed I meant by what I wrote that got me in trouble. So let’s be clear:

1. I do not believe there is anything inherently sinful in a person dressing up and pretending to be the opposite sex for entertainment purposes. I don’t think Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis were sinning when they did that in an old movie, or that modern drag performers are sinning when they do it for drag shows today.
2. I believe ALL forms of entertainment can cross the line into sinful behavior and can promote things that are sinful. As a Christian there are movies I would not go and see, TV shows I will not watch, and drag shows I would not attend. But there are movies, TV shows, and drag shows that are fun and innocent as well.
3. Most importantly, I am concerned that the present politicization and polarization over drag is going to catch some LGBTQ people in the crossfire and cause hurt and harm. For example, I know of a trans person who had been attending a church for almost a year with no backlash. Then a local bakery hit the news for hosting a drag brunch. Even though that trans person had nothing to do with the show that was happening, the controversy in the community made them feel unwelcome at the church. They stopped attending. 

So why did my writing about drag become equivalent to stepping on the third rail? Why has it become such a polarizing issue in our society? And what can we as Christians learn about our own reaction to the subject? Let me share one last story…

A few months ago I was flying home on Southwest and sitting in my favorite aisle seat in the exit row. A young man came down the aisle and sat in the seat across from me. He was wearing flip flops with bright pink painted toenails. His finger nails matched and were about two inches long. His sweatpants were sitting low on his waist and his tee shirt was cut short to expose his midriff. His eyelashes were long and fake. Before sitting down he put an elaborate hat box in the overhead compartment. I later learned it contained his carefully curled pink wig. 

My immediate reaction was a huge degree of discomfort. I mean, if there is a man on the face of this earth that would be my polar opposite, it would be my new neighbor across the aisle. I can’t imagine painting my toenails pink or wearing a wig. And trust me… you do not want to see my exposed midriff. I am ashamed to say I actually thought about giving up my extra leg room seat and moving further back in the plane. But I had already settled in so I stayed put. 

He made eye contact with me (I may have been staring) and said, “How are you today, baby?” I’m not kidding. He called me “baby.” This was about to get really interesting. 

So… we talked. His name was Steve and he was flying to Chicago to participate in a drag show. He was heading straight to the venue, which is why he was already partially in costume. His bag was too big to carry on, but there was no way he was checking his wig, so it was in the overhead compartment. He was originally from Chicago, but had been living in Florida. This was his first time back in years, and he was excited but also nervous. 

I could see him tense up a bit when I told him I had been in Florida to speak at a pastors’ conference. But after a few more minutes he seemed to relax. I wish I could tell you we got into a deep spiritual discussion, or that he shared his life story and how he got involved with drag. But none of that happened. Our conversation was incredibly normal. We talked about the Cubs. We talked about the weather. I told him I loved to golf and was a member at a country club. He said, “Imagine me showing up to your country club, honey! Whoo boy!” (First “baby” then “honey.” LOL)

The flight attendant came by taking drink orders, and our conversation just kind of ended. He pulled out his book (the latest Tom Clancy novel) and I opened my iPad to start watching a movie. At the end of the flight we smiled at each other and I wished him luck at his performance. We headed off to our very different lives.

So what is my point? I think it is easy to imagine all kinds of things about people that are very different than us. The more different they are the harder it is to assume the best and not assume the worst. I certainly assumed any conversation on that flight would be awkward and uncomfortable. I never imagined he’d be a Cub fan named Steve who reads Tom Clancy novels. This fear of those who are different from us is what makes drag such a polarizing issue for Americans today.

As Christians we are called to something higher. If we are going to be able to share God’s love and grace with others, we have to be willing to do that with people who appear to be very different from us. We have to be willing to assume the best and not the worst. And we cannot let the politics and the polarization in the world around us creep into our theology or our care for others. 

So back to the original question that prompted me to write these blog posts: How should a Christian react if there is a “family friendly drag brunch” scheduled in their community? Or a drag performer reading books to kids at the local library? Or a group of friends that invite them to go to a drag show? I honestly don’t know. I’d need a whole lot more information about the who, the how, and the why before I could answer that question. But I also know that whatever I say or do I should not assume the worst, I should be motivated by love and not fear, and I should always have the goal of helping all involved know that they are loved children of God. 

(Jumping off the third rail now…)

In my last blog post (found here) I began unpacking the controversy of drag performances in society today. In this blog I’ll move the conversation forward by looking at the key Bible passage that is often used to address the issue. But first a story…

The congregation I used to serve was a multi-site church, with one location using a more traditional worship style than the others. Among other things, that meant I wore traditional vestments – a robe, stole, etc. – when leading worship at that site. 

A family that exclusively worshipped at one of our more contemporary sites came to the traditional site for a wedding. I was in the lobby before the service began, and greeted them warmly. Their five-year-old son looked puzzled, and then loudly asked, “Why are you wearing a dress?” I knelt down so I could look him in the eye, smiled, and explained, “This isn’t a dress. It is called and alb and sometimes pastors wear these when they lead worship.” He still looked puzzled, turned to his mom and said, “Sure looks like a dress to me!”

Deuteronomy 22:5 says, “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God.” (English Standard Version)

That’s pretty clear, right? Men should wear men’s clothing, and women should wear women’s clothing. God hates anything else. So does that mean drag performers are sinning when they dress as the opposite sex? Many Christians believe so. Let’s dig in further and see.

First, the book of Deuteronomy was written by Moses thousands of years ago. It contains the written record of speeches Moses gave to the Children of Israel (the Hebrews) before they entered the Promised Land. The book was written in Hebrew, and a few things stand out as we look at the verse in the original language:

1. The first phrase literally says that a woman shall not wear or use “the things of a man.” This would include clothing but could also include tools, weapons, armor, and ornaments or jewelry.
2. The word for “man” in this verse is not the normal common word for man, but a word that means “mighty man” or “warrior.”
3. The word describing God’s position on these things (translated “abomination”) has a fairly specific meaning in Deuteronomy. More on that later.

It’s also important to note the context of this verse. The verses preceding explain what to do if you find livestock or clothing that belong to another person. The verses after deal with things like being sure not to put a balcony on your house with a low railing lest people fall from it, and not making clothing with different cloth fibers mixed together. 

One other “twist” for us to consider: There exist several Egyptian monuments that show the Hebrew people entering into Egypt in the years leading up to their captivity and eventual rescue by God through Moses. In these monuments everyone, men and women alike, are wearing very similar clothing. Some robes worn by men are identical in color and style to those worn by women in the same scene. So what exactly is God saying in Deuteronomy 22:5?

One option suggested by Biblical scholars is that there is a military connotation to this verse: In other words, men should not abandon their weapons and armor and take on the role of women to avoid military service. And women likewise should not put on armor and pretend to be a man to gain access to a military camp (to meet with their spouse, or to serve as a prostitute). This suggestion comes from the “mighty man” or “warrior” translation of the word for “man” in the verse, as well as the broad “the things of a man” that women are not to wear or use.

While this option is possible, it feels like a stretch to me. There is nothing else in all of Deuteronomy about military service, strategy, or rules. One random verse like this doesn’t make a lot of sense. There is a much more likely understanding of this verse, and it centers around the phrase, “whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God.”

This concept of “abomination” is found 117 times in the Old Testament, and specifically in Deuteronomy it becomes a technical word used to describe pagan worship practices in use in Canaan, the land the Hebrews were about to enter. For example:

“When you come into the land that the LORD your God is giving you, you shall not learn to follow the abominable practices of those nations. There shall not be found among you anyone who burns his son or his daughter as an offering, anyone who practices divination or tells fortunes or interprets omens, or a sorcerer or a charmer or a medium or a necromancer or one who inquires of the dead, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD. And because of these abominations the LORD your God is driving them out before you. You shall be blameless before the LORD your God.” (Deuteronomy 18:9-13)

Throughout Deuteronomy, when Moses condemns pagan worship practices like making idols (27:15), temple prostitution (23:18), and certain types of animal sacrifice (17:1) each time he calls these things and those who do them “abominations.” So it is entirely possible Deuteronomy 22:5 is dealing with some sort of pagan worship practice as well. 

As we dig deeper we find this is exactly the case. We know that many pagan fertility and harvest rituals involved men and women portraying the opposite sex in both dance and sexual interaction. We also know that conquering pagan kings would dress captured soldiers like women and them offer them as sacrifices to their gods. 

It seems to me Deuteronomy 22:5 is rooted in avoiding the cultic practices of the day. When we take it out of that context it has little to say to modern clothing styles, or even things like drag shows. At the very least we must recognize we don’t take other parts of the law shared in Deuteronomy literally, otherwise we would be just as concerned about the drag performer who wears a scarf with mixed cloth fibers as we would the fact they are wearing clothing culturally associated with the opposite sex. 

I believe we are misusing Scripture when we use Deuteronomy 22:5 to tell women they cannot wear pants (as was done in the 18th century in America and is still being done in some of the African church today), or to condemn drag performers as sinning against God simply because they dress up like the opposite sex.

When Joan of Arc was burned at the stake by the church in 1431, the primary charge brought against her was that she was violating Deuteronomy 22:5 by dressing like a man. At one point they made her sign a confession to this and insisted she wear a dress, which she readily agreed to do. But those who wanted her executed took the dress away and gave her men’s clothing to wear again, and then used that to find her guilty and burn her. 

While the charge of violating Deuteronomy 22 was used to condemn Joan of Arc, everyone knows that had nothing to do with her actual execution. It was more about politics and power. Similarly, using Deuteronomy 22 to say that the Bible condemns drag shows and performers only hides the fact that there is something else going on here. We’ll explore that in the next blog post.

In recent months I’ve received a bunch of questions and requests for me to post something about drag shows. Once limited to bars and late night, a whole bunch of new “drag expressions” have been in the news. From drag brunches where families are invited, to drag queens doing book readings at local libraries, what was once primarily an adult entertainment experience has branched out in ways that are troubling to some people. As a result, new laws have been passed, businesses have been boycotted and lost their building leases, and yet another political “hot potato” has been added to the growing list of things about which people are deeply divided.

There are two questions that we as Christians ought to be asking about this issue: what are the facts (and not the hype) and how should we as Christians respond? Over the next couple of blog posts I’m going to attempt to address these issues. There is a lot to consider!

First of all, some facts. While it is true that many drag performers are gay men, many are also heterosexual men. Very few are trans. In other words, if you see someone performing in drag you should not assume they are part of the LGBTQ community. Further, drag shows historically have been more about entertainment than gender or sexuality expression. Drag shows typically “exaggerate female gender roles for entertainment purposes.” Through dramatic makeup and costumes, singing, dancing, and humor, drag performers seek to make people laugh and help them have a good time.

That said, there is no doubt that drag allows the performers to explore and experiment with gender roles and expression. Many drag performers use different pronouns and a different name when “in character.” For some it gives them a chance to “put on a mask and be whoever I want to be for a few hours,” offering escape from the problems and challenges of daily life. 

For many years drag shows have had an accepted niche in the entertainment industry in America. Many people have attended a drag show purely for the entertainment they provide. Some expressions of drag have shown up in more “mainstream” entertainment. For example, Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis found themselves in drag for most of the 1959 film Some Like It Hot, which received six Oscar nominations! But in recent years drag culture has branched out, including “family friendly drag brunches” and drag performers doing book readings at libraries and schools. Why is this happening, and what is the goal of those promoting this events?

There are those that believe these events are designed to “groom children to be gay or trans.” Let’s be clear: statements that make this claim are based in fear and not in logic or fact. The vast majority of gay and trans people believe they are gay or trans because they were born that way. If that is indeed the case, why would they think exposing a child to a drag performance would somehow change their gender or sexual orientation? Also, virtually every gay or trans person I know will tell you their life has been much more difficult because of their gender or sexual identity. So why would they try to enlist children in a life that has been a struggle? Finally, what about the heterosexual and cisgender drag performers? What motivation would they have for trying to groom kids to be gay or trans? 

It seems these days to be fair political game to demonize people who are different or who disagree with us, and accusing drag performers who read a book to kids at the library of grooming children for inclusion into the LGBTQ community is nothing more than that. Martin Luther wrote, “We should fear and love God so that we may not deceitfully belie, betray, slander, or defame our neighbor, but defend him, think and speak well of him, and put the best construction on everything.” (Explanation to the 8th Commandment, Small Catechism) Calling drag performers “groomers” is far from “putting the best construction” on their behavior.

So why do drag queens read books to kids? Or perform family brunches? Why not ask them and find out? 

One drag performer put it this way. “[Drag performers] are incredibly talented. They are trying to live their lives, and in the process, brighten the lives of those around them. That’s the message parents should be communicating to their kids, at any age. It’s all about acceptance and being loved for who you are.” Another said, “Drag is an opportunity for anyone – including and especially children – to reconsider the masks we are all forced to wear daily. Children are inundated with implicit imagery from media about what is ‘boy’ and what is ‘girl.’ And I believe that almost all kids are really less concerned about playing with a toy that’s supposedly aligned to their gender, and more concerned with playing with toys that speak to them.” So the goal is to foster tolerance and break down social stereotypes regarding gender and gender expression. 

Are there some drag performers and drag show promoters that are simply trying to advance a certain liberal agenda? Of course. But there are also people that oppose drag shows simply to garner conservative votes or out of ignorance about the whole subject.

WIth all that in mind, what does the Bible say? How should a Christian respond? Is it OK to attend a drag show? What do you do if your local library is hosting a drag event? What do you say to your friend, family member, or coworker that performs in drag? Should a politician’s views on the subject influence your vote? I’ll tackle these issues in my next post.

I had the privilege of working with many amazing people during my 40+ years of full-time ministry. One of those people was a man named Jack Giles. Jack was a gifted leader, a patient teacher, and a brilliant theologian. He cared deeply for the people around him and worked hard at helping people grow more like Jesus. Jack had a saying that I think of often. When a discussion would get “in the weeds” he would sit back and say, “Remember, the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing!”

So – what is the “main thing”?

In Matthew 22 we are told about a fascinating exchange Jesus had with the religious leaders of the day. First the Pharisees tried to trip him up with a question on paying taxes. Then the Sadducees tried to get him with a question about marriage and the resurrection. Then one of the Pharisees, an “expert in the law,” asked Jesus to identify the greatest commandment. Here is Jesus’ reply:

Jesus said, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-40 NCV)

First, let’s talk about what Jesus ISN’T saying. He is not saying these are the only commandments that matter. I have heard some people say that you can do whatever you want as long as you love God and love others. That’s not at all what Jesus means. God DOES care about what we think and about how we live, apart from simply being loving. But WHY does he care? We’ll come back to that later.

Jesus IS saying that the commandments (God’s rules about how we should behave and think) are rooted in love for God and love for others. These are inseparable. You can’t say you love God and not love others. You can’t truly love others if you don’t love God. And all we do and think should flow from love: God’s love for us, and our love for him and others. THAT IS THE MAIN THING! God loved us so much that he sent his Son to die for us. That love is given freely to all. When we receive that love it creates love in us. It’s really that simple.

So then why does God care about how we act and think? Love. He loves us so much he wants what is best for us. His commandments are not things we follow to earn his love. They are things we do to live our best life, knowing our loving Father wants what is best for us.

When Christians or churches expect LGBTQ+ people to believe certain things, or act in a certain way, BEFORE they are willing to acknowledge people’s life choices and struggles, and before they accept them as fellow children of God, they are not keeping the main thing the main thing. They have let legalism, or prejudice, or fear become the main thing.

Everything we do as believers and as Christian communities must begin and end in love. That is what is meant when we say, “The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing!”

At a government task force meeting, two gay psychologists were discussing issues affecting the gay community. At one point one of them shared a concern that they had seen a number of gay people joining Christian churches. They speculated that there was something missing in the gay community that was not meeting the emotional, spiritual, and social needs of these people, leading them to seek these things in a church community. They concluded with the phrase, “I am worried that these churches will hurt our people.”

There is an assumption behind that statement that I find fascinating and worth exploring. Basically the psychologist was saying that a gay Christian would have more in common with other gay people than they would with other Christian people. Or to put it another way, there was the assumption that the gay community would have a better chance of meeting a gay Christian’s needs – their emotional, social, and spiritual needs – than a Christian community would have. “They are our people. We get them better than anyone. And if they hang out with Christians too long they are going to get hurt.”

There may actually be some evidence that this is the case. A 2008 study found that 86% of LGBTQ people were raised in a faith community from the ages of 0 to 18. The vast majority of these Christian young people left the church after they came out. Interestingly, the primary reason they left was not the theological position of their church or even something someone said to them or did to them as a result of their gender or sexuality. The primary reason they left was, as one person put it, “No one was willing to listen to my story.”

Think about that for a minute. The journey that leads someone to explore, wrestle with, acknowledge, and share with others their gender or their sexual orientation is a long and challenging path. It is full of potential for struggle and pain, as well as joy and relief. The Bible clearly teaches human beings were created to face any significant journey like this in the community of others who can care, listen, support, struggle, and celebrate right along side them. Yet for so many LGBTQ people their faith community left them to struggle and celebrate alone. As a result they found community elsewhere, often with people that did not share their Christian faith.

(A side note: This lack of Christian community in traditional church settings is not limited to the LGBTQ community. A recent study published in the Wall Street Journal found that a growing share of people 18-25 years old said they believed in God or a higher power. Interestingly, this new faith is NOT translating into church attendance or participating in a church community. Instead, these young believers are expressing their faith by following people on social media who speak from a faith-based perspective, or by connecting with others who have a similar faith outside of an organized church community.)

Church communities need to do better! Our common belief in a loving God, in the saving work of Jesus, in the power of the Holy Spirit, and in the value of each and every human life should result in the kind of transformational community that meets the emotional, social, and spiritual needs of everyone. If you have a relationship with Jesus, your brothers and sisters in Christ should truly be “your people” more than anyone else! (Check out what Jesus said in Matthew 12:48-50.) No one should ever journey alone, no matter what struggle they are facing. Everyone should be Fully Known and Truly Loved! (Check out this blog post for more.)

For that to happen a lot needs to change. We have to stop leading with the law and be people of “grace upon grace” as Jesus was. (John 1:16) We have to listen before we speak. We have to stop being afraid of people or ideas that are different from what we know and have experienced. We have to, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

Let’s help “our people” remain “our people” with the love of Jesus!

According to Wikipedia, Psychoanalytic Theory is the “theory of personality organization and the dynamics of personality development relating to the practice of psychoanalysis.” It was developed by Austrian neurologist Sigmund Freud in the late 19th century. While it has served as a foundation for many other psychological theories, it itself is no longer widely used.

Psychoanalytic theory claims that human behavior is determined, largely, by the unconscious and instinctual drives. Freud said that children must journey through a number of psychosexual stages. In each stage there is a specific need that must be met, based on the child’s center of pleasure at that stage. If that need is not met a child becomes “stuck” and develops psychological difficulties. For example, Freud used the story of Oedipus Rex, a Greek myth in which Oedipus kills is father and marries his mother. Freud believed that the “Oedipus Complex” played a central role in the human psyche. Young boys compete with their father for their mother’s affection. Eventually the boy identifies with his father and this tension is resolved as the boy substitutes a different woman for his mother. Freud believed this was central to normal human development.

Christians have largely discounted the theories of Freud due to their deterministic view of humanity, which conflicts with the teachings of the Bible. Freud taught that our behavior is controlled by our “unconscious mind.” The Bible teaches our behavior is controlled by either our sinful nature or by the work of the Holy Spirit within us. Freud taught that the only way to resolve psychological issues and become mentally healthy is to relive the past. The Bible teaches our relationship with Jesus is transformational and it is in him we find forgiveness, healing, and peace.

Christians totally disagree with Freud’s way of explaining human behavior and the underlying causes for that behavior. Except, apparently, when it comes to someone who is gay!

I recently had a chance to hear a presentation by a Christian counselor who works with Christian families who are struggling through LGBTQ issues. The first bullet point of his outline was, “How does someone become gay?” He proceeded to explain how someone who is gay must have had a traumatic event or circumstances that interrupted the “heterosexual resolution” of their Oedipal stage. He said this could be the failure to form proper attachments to one or both parents, or a traumatic sexual experience like abuse. While he never used Freud’s name, if you are at all familiar with Freud’s work his reliance on that work was readily apparent. And it isn’t just this one Christian counselor. I keep running into this way of thinking again and again. Freud’s influence runs deep in some Christian circles.

Let’s be clear about something – there is not a single reliable scientific study that positively links childhood abuse or poor parenting to sexual orientation. In fact, the American Psychiatric Association noted in 2000 that “sexual abuse does not appear to be any more prevalent among children who grow up and identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual than in children who grow up and identify as heterosexual.” There are thousands and thousands of heterosexual people who were sexually abused as kids or who never “bonded” with their fathers or mothers. And there are thousands and thousands of LGBTQ people who were never sexually abused and who had perfectly wonderful parents.

So… as Christians let’s stop perpetuating the myth that trauma causes people to be gay, and that the right therapy can somehow change that. Let’s stop saying stupid things like, “Fathers, hug your boys because if you don’t some other man will.” (Yes, I actually read that on a pastor’s website.) Let’s denounce ALL of Freud’s theories for what they are… humanistic attempts at explaining behavior apart from God.

As Christian parents of LGBTQ kids, let’s stop “looking for answers” about why our kids are LGBTQ. Let go of your secret worry that somehow you or someone else did something to “make” your kid gay. Accept them for the unique child of God that they are and help them negotiate their way through a world that can be hostile and frightening. Help them keep Jesus in the center of their life.

And as LGBTQ Christians, let’s remember that Christian counselors like the guy I mentioned above are not bad people – they are just uninformed. They’ve bought into lies and we need to help them grow in their understanding. And let’s remember that God loves us just as we are, and has a plan and a purpose for our life! “We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him. They are the people he called, because that was his plan.” (Romans 8:28 NCV)

“Is your church an affirming church?’

During my last ten years or so of ministry I got that question a lot. It came from gay and straight people alike. They were asking if our church agreed with same-sex intimacy and gay marriage (affirming) or if we said it was sin that fell short of God’s plan for LGBTQ people’s lives (non-affirming). The deeper assumption was that an affirming church loved and cared for gay people, and a non-affirming church despised and rejected them. Unfortunately the world has trained people to think this way. Somehow agreement and affirmation have become the prerequisites for relationship, and not just in matters of sexuality and gender. If you don’t agree with my politics we can’t be friends. If you don’t affirm my life choices I block you on Twitter. Is there a better way?

I would argue it is possible to acknowledge what people believe and accept them no matter what they have done, without agreeing with their choices or affirming their beliefs. 

Acknowledging means listening to someone’s story, validating their experiences, and noticing their pain. Accepting means loving them no matter what, because of who created them and who died for them.

Think about the Samaritan Woman at the Well, one of my favorite stories in the Gospels. John chapter 4 starts with the author telling us that Jesus was leaving Judea and heading up to Galilee. Verse 4 seems simple enough: “He had to pass through Samaria.” But if you know the geography, and the normal route you would take to get from Judea to Galilee, that verse would be very confusing to you! Most people would head east to the Jordan River, then north along the river valley. Or west to the Mediterranean Sea and then north along the coast. Only a fool would set out north through the wilderness to pass through Samaria. And yet that is not only what Jesus did, it is what he HAD to do, according to the text. The word here suggests more than just a necessity, but rather a “divine appointment.” Just a few verses later we find out why.

Jesus is sitting alone at a well. A Samaritan woman approaches, in the heat of the day, and all alone. Again, a shocking thing. Normally women went to the well in the cool of the morning or evening. And they went in a group, providing safety and a time to connect socially with the other women in the community. But this woman is alone and it is noon. Something is obviously wrong. Again, a few verses later we discover the issue. The woman has been married five times, and she is now living with a man outside of marriage! Now before you jump to conclusions, in Jesus’ day a man could divorce a woman for any reason – from infidelity to simply displeasing her husband. So maybe she is promiscuous. Maybe she is a bad cook. We really don’t know the why, but we know the result. She is shunned by the other women in the community. Her pain is not acknowledged and she is not accepted.

Jesus is different. He braves the wilderness to keep his divine appointment with her. He acknowledges her circumstances (“You are right when you say you have no husband…”). He accepts her as a child of God, one for whom he has come to bring salvation and life. Jesus never gives her any indication he agrees with her life choices or affirms her circumstances. But she doesn’t care! She leaves her water jar behind and runs to the village to tell everyone there about the man who, “told me everything I ever did” and yet cared enough about her to reveal himself as the Messiah.

Jesus acknowledged people for who they were, and accepted them unconditionally. We should do the same!

P.S. I am very grateful to author Caleb Kaltenbach for his framing of this issue (acknowledgement and acceptance vs. agreement and affirmation) in his book Messy Truth. Caleb is an author and Christian pastor who was raised as an atheist by two gay parents. He is a powerful voice for believers who seek to show God’s love and grace to the LGBTQ community. I highly recommend both of his books! (The other is entitled Messy Grace.)