I was traveling in my car recently. It was a longer journey through the boring corn fields of Illinois. One mile looks pretty much like the last and the next. For some variety I switched my satellite radio from my normal Country station to one of the comedy channels.

One particular comedian stood out to me. He was hilarious. I didn’t recognize his voice, so I don’t know who he was. I was driving along laughing and then he said this:

“So I am an atheist. I do not believe in God or religion. But I have to admit, the other day I was flying on a plane and there was some really bad turbulence. Right then and there I decided to become a Christian and immediately started judging gay people.”

The joke got a big laugh from the crowd on the recording.

Now we all know how comedy works. Comedians use the ironic or unexpected to get a laugh. The crowd expected him to say, “I decided to become a Christian and immediately started praying.” The fact that he “started judging gay people” instead is what makes us laugh. But there is no laugh unless there is a certain amount of truth in the twist. If he had said, “I immediately started making pancakes” people would have been puzzled, not amused.

Over the years I have talked to person after person from the LGBTQ community who have felt the judgement of Christians. Normally they respond by either hiding who they are around believers, or simply avoiding Christians as much as possible. And while gay or trans people are certainly not the only people that feel judged by Christians, they may be at the top of the list these days.

With this in mind, all of us who follow Jesus should consider the following truths:

1. All people have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Jesus said we are to be perfect, as our Heavenly Father is perfect (Matthew 5:48) and not a one of us (other than Jesus) has accomplished that.
2. Every person is created in the image of God, and Jesus died for each and every one we encounter.
3. The religious leaders of Jesus’ day, who believed themselves much closer to God than the average person, were the ONLY ones who felt judged by Jesus.
4. In Romans 2:1 Paul writes, “No matter who you are, if you judge anyone, you have no excuse. When you judge another person, you condemn yourself, since you, the judge, do the same things.”
5. There are ways to share God’s truth without placing judgement. And love and grace must ALWAYS predominate in our interactions with everyone.

I long for the day when that comedian stops telling that joke because it just isn’t funny anymore. A day when audiences are simply puzzled, and think, “Why would he start judging gay people? Christians don’t do that…”

Consider the following two passages from the first two chapters of Genesis:

Genesis 1:27 – So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them;  male and female he created them.

Genesis 2:18 – The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

In the first chapter of Genesis, God creates everything, including all the creatures to inhabit his new creation. This includes human beings, who are different than all the other creatures because they are created “in his image.” In verse 27 he indicates that there is something about being created male and female that is central to this image. Many theologians believe this means human beings are created with the capacity for relationship, with God and with one another. Some theologians also conclude that this means marriage (and therefore sex) is limited to a man and a woman. They further conclude that gender is given by God and is binary – male or female alone. (There are also theologians that believe Genesis 1 is simply descriptive of the first human beings God created, and not prescriptive for all people. In other words, they believe same-sex couples or people whose gender is non-binary are also creations of God, just not the first humans created.)

In the second chapter of Genesis, God says that there is something that is “not good” in his creation. Adam, the first human, is alone. God calls out that Adam needs a human partner. One “suitable for him.” Many English translations use the word “helper” to translate the original Hebrew word here. But there is a problem. The original Hebrew word does not carry the same “subservient” connotation that “helper” does in English. That is why the CEV translation says, “a suitable partner for him” and the Expanded Bible translation says, “I will make a helper ( in the sense of a partner or ally) who is right for (is suitable for; corresponds with) him.”

Let’s assume for a moment that you believe Genesis 1 makes it clear that God intends marriage for only a man and a woman. Let’s also assume that, as a result, you believe people who are same-sex attracted, or who are transgender, need to remain celibate and unmarried if they desire to respect God’s will and plan for their life. You aren’t being homophobic or anti-trans when you say this, but are simply respecting God’s truth and believe this advice is loving and best for LGBTQ people.

But, what about Genesis 2? What about the clear teaching from God that he created human beings with a capacity and need for a “suitable partner” for them?

During the Protestant Reformation many theologians, including Martin Luther, used Genesis 2 to make the argument that it was unnatural and against God’s plan to require singleness and celibacy of human beings. Now, of course Luther was not referring to same-sex relationships and marriage. He was fighting against the rule in the church that priests were to be single and celibate. But the underlying principle applies. It is not normally God’s plan for someone to have to spend their life without a suitable partner. Some may choose to be celibate and single, but we cannot require that of people.

The heterosexual cisgender person has no conflict here. They are created male and female and can find a suitable partner to spend their lives with according to that framework. But for the gay or transgender Christian, there is a conflict. “God said it’s supposed to be male and female. That won’t work for me. But God also said it is not good for me to be alone. So what am I to do?”

For those gay and trans Christians who believe Genesis does not forbid same sex marriage, there is no issue. But for gay or trans Christians who have a more conservative view of Scripture, there is a real conflict. Some simply choose celibacy and remain single, and through family and friendships fill their relational needs as best they can. But others choose to find a “suitable partner” and commit to a life-long relationship with them, recognizing that this may not have been God’s ultimate plan, but in their life Genesis 2 takes precedence over Genesis 1. 

How can we, as church families, help LGBTQ people sort this out in a loving, grace-filled way? If we are more conservative in our theology, is there room for us to recognize the conflict Genesis presents to LGBTQ people? Can we live in that tension with them?

Is your church family strong enough to let people who believe some strange things and behave in ways you don’t approve still be a part of the family?

Let’s unpack that a little bit. I think MOST church families follow the “Believe, Behave, Belong” mindset. If you believe certain things (that our church family believes), and behave in a certain way (following the rules we believe God expects), then you can belong here. Oh you can visit for a bit, or hang out at our “outreach events,” but if you want to sing in the choir, help organize the food pantry, or serve as an aide in a Sunday School classroom, you have to believe and behave. You really don’t belong otherwise. 

I would argue Jesus did it totally differently. But that’ll have to be the topic of a future blog post, because this past weekend I came across something that was a little stunning in the book of Leviticus. 

Leviticus 19 starts with this statement from Moses to God’s people: “Speak to all the congregation of the people of Israel and say to them, You shall be holy, for I the LORD your God am holy.” Holy means “set apart for a special purpose,” and the verses that follow go over all the rules God’s people are to follow that will show them to be radically different than the other nations around them. Some of the rules are what you would expect: don’t steal, don’t lie, act justly and fairly. Some seem a little weird, like, “You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard.” God makes it clear he is REALLY serious about them keeping these rules meticulously. “Keep my statutes and do them; I am the LORD who sanctifies you. For anyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death.” Yikes.

God wants his people to be different. He lays out the rules. He warns there will be dire consequences if they do not follow the rules. And then he says this:

“The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the Lord your God.”

Wait, what? “Follow these rules! I’m deadly serious about them! But if there are people among you who are not part of the family, show them unconditional love and acceptance. Treat them like they are a part of the family, even though they won’t act like it.”

Why do we expect people to believe and behave before they can belong? If we really think believing certain things and behaving in a certain way is best for people, we need to earn trust and influence in their lives first. And the way we do that is by letting them belong!

Belong first. Be patient and let believe and behave come later. THAT’s how God designed his family to work!

“Tempest-tossed soul, be still; my promised grace receive.”
“Tis’ Jesus speaks-I must, I can, I will, I do believe.”

I’m using Tim Keller’s book on the Psalms for my daily devotions again this year. (I used it once during a busier time in my life so there are many days that remain unread by me.) Today he quotes a John Newton hymn. It is a short conversation. Jesus speaks, and the soul replies. “I must, I can, I will, I do believe.”

Must. Can. Will. Do. Where are you today?

I admit there are days when I know I must believe. I’m not sure I can. I doubt I will. Only through the work of the Holy Spirit is there any kind of ”do” going on.

Today is a good day. I know I must and believe I can. Will I? Let’s see what the day holds in store…

But maybe I am focused on the wrong part of that verse. What will happen if I simply listen to Jesus? He says, “Be still.”

Be still.

If even the wind and waves obey him. Why shouldn’t I?

Sometimes when I speak with a group of leaders or pastors my message is received well. Often I may get some push back or disagreement. I love those moments! After all, I am usually challenging people’s presuppositions or asking them to think about things they have never before considered. Why wouldn’t I expect people to wrestle with those ideas?

But on some occasions I am a little stunned by the opinions expressed by people I know to be thoughtful, caring individuals.

For example, during one recent conversation I made the case that while someone might disagree with gay marriage, they could at least see that a gay married couple isn’t hurting anyone. He disagreed, and in fact believes that gay marriages are harmful to the people involved and the community in which they exist. I must admit I wasn’t sure how to respond. Even though someone might believe that a gay marriage is different than God’s plan, it seems to me that two people, committed to one another for life and dedicated to the well being of one another, can’t possibly be “harmful to the people involved and the community in which they exist.” But apparently not everyone agrees.

In another case someone equated gender affirming care to unnecessary plastic surgery. In other words, they were saying that, “just as you shouldn’t have surgery on your nose when there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, a transgender person should not take hormones or have surgery when there is absolutely nothing wrong with them.” I tried to help this person see that gender dysphoria is indeed a real thing, and to dismiss it as “nothing wrong” is uncaring and uninformed. Again, apparently not everyone agrees.

So how do we react when we are faced with people that see things radically differently than we do? Throw up our hands in frustration and find someone else to talk to? Remove the person from our contact list and block their number? Or lean in to the conversation and patiently and clearly try and help them understand?

In the vast majority of cases I am going to assume the person simply doesn’t have all the information. That they are operating under false assumptions. That they mean well but have never carefully considered other possibilities. Maybe they never will. But that won’t stop me from giving it a shot…

And I long to hear the phrase that I heard from one of the people above. As our gathering was wrapping up, they looked at me and said, “You’ve given me something to think about.” YES!!! The door is not completely closed. There is possibility for more dialog. The walls that were built up are teetering a little.

Sometimes I will take what I can get!

According to Keller there is a third possibility. What if I could be fully known and truly loved?

I would literally trade anything for that. To know that someone knows all there is to know about me, good and bad, and still loves me… that really gets my heart pumping. In fact, simply contemplating that and typing these words has brought tears to my eyes. I hope you have had the privilege of experiencing that kind of unconditional and complete love in your life. I have.

One of my most shameful memories is of a time when I was a teenager and I got into an argument with my mom. I don’t remember what it was about, but I know I said some stupid and harsh things. My mom began to cry. Having made my point I stormed from the room and headed down the hall. My dad, who had been silently watching this unfold, had had enough. He made his own storm has he followed me down that hall, and when I turned to face him he told me in no uncertain terms that I was going to march right back into the living room and apologize to my mother.

I took a swing at him.

I am embarrassed to put those words to paper. I still feel the bitter sting of the shame of what I did, even though it happened 45 years ago. Fortunately my dad was the more mature man that night, and he stepped aside and let me go and cool down. Later I apologized to my mom and to him. It was beautiful and heartfelt. At least that’s how I remember it. But I was obnoxious and 17 so it probably wasn’t as great an apology as I remember.

Eleven years later, my dad was near death from cancer. In a quiet moment by his bedside I recalled that day and asked again for his forgiveness.

He didn’t remember it happening. Seriously. It wasn’t “chemo brain” or anything like that, he was still sharp as a tack even though his body was starting to shut down. He simply had forgotten what had happened. His love for his son was stronger than my rebellion. At least for that specific event. He did smile and say, “Yeah, you were pretty hard on your mother when you were a teenager.” And I was. And she still loved me too! I was fully known by my mom and dad, and still truly loved.

Of course, the ultimate example of being fully known and truly loved is the unconditional love and grace of my other Father. My heavenly one.

King David wrote, “Lord, you have examined me and know all about me. You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know my thoughts before I think them. You know where I go and where I lie down. You know everything I do.” (Psalm 139:1-3) David could hide nothing from God. And trust me, David had a lot he wished he could hide. That list included adultery and murder! And yet, when he contemplated how fully known he was by God he went on to write, “God, your thoughts are precious to me.” Why? Because David knew how God thought about him. He knew God had declared him, “A man after my own heart.” (Acts 13:22) David knew that in God he was fully known and truly loved.

You are like David. And so am I. God knows everything about us, and still loves us more than we can imagine. I don’t have to hide a thing. I don’t need to hide a thing. I am fully known and truly loved. And as Keller says, that is “what I need more than anything.”

For far too long people from the LGBTQ+ community have believed and experienced that they have to hide certain aspects of their life to be welcome in many churches. That used to be true for lots of other people as well. If you were divorced or living together or heavily tattooed you might have been concerned about how people would react if you visited a church. Fortunately, churches have (mostly) gotten better at making “those people” feel welcome and open about who they are.

But my heart breaks for the many gay, lesbian, and trans people I have met that have shared with me the rejection they have experienced by God’s family. Some of them have even experienced that rejection in the church in which they grew up! They were loved until they became fully known, and then everything changed.

My dream, and the dream for this ministry, is to help congregations be places where LGBTQ people can be fully known and truly loved. Where they can be totally themselves, and know that not only God loves them but His people do to.

Wouldn’t that be amazing?

In my last post we looked at the problem with being loved but not known. Today let’s consider the opposite: to be known but not loved.

I would argue that our greatest fear in life, even greater than our fear of death, is our fear of being completely and utterly alone.

In 2019 the Tampa Bay Times ran a story about a woman named Kathryn Norris. Her body had been discovered in the home where she had lived. She had been dead for over 16 months. Months earlier she had stopped paying her mortgage, and eventually the mortgage company foreclosed and resold the home. It was the new owner that discovered the body.

Estranged from her family, she had moved to Florida about ten years earlier. Neighbors said their rarely saw her, and hadn’t really noticed that those rare sightings had stopped. She had worked for a while at a local company as a buyer, but health issues made her quit her job. She had been married briefly and after the divorce her ex lost contact with her. Mental health issues led to her being put on disability. There was no immediately apparent cause of death. But one thing was very clear. When she died, she was utterly alone.

The reporter who wrote the story reached out to some former coworkers and members of her distant family. None of them described her as dangerous or even unpleasant to be around. She had just drifted away, and no one cared enough to try and stop it.

I find that story incredibly sad and tragic.

God’s word teaches clearly that we were made for relationship. When Jesus was asked to summarize God’s law (God’s truth about how live is supposed to work), he said it was simple: love God with all your being and love others as you love yourself. We were made for love – to love God and others, and to be loved by them. So Keller is right when he says there is a fear inside of each of us that if people in our lives knew the REAL us – our thoughts, feelings, secret sins and struggles – that no one would love us. We would be rejected and alone.

Faced with that possibility, I will always opt for the superficial. For the comfortable. I’ll let you see a little and hide the rest. I’ll silence the “if they only knew” voice and take what love I can get. I will avoid the risk of rejection at all costs.

I guess I’d rather be loved and not known, than known and not loved. But there is a third option. We will explore that in my next post.

The name for this ministry was inspired by a quote from pastor, author, and theologian Tim Keller. He wrote it in his book, “The Meaning of Marriage.” Here is the quote in its full context:

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” (p. 87)

Let’s think about the first part of that quote together for a minute. What does it mean to be, “loved but not known?”

If you tell me you love me, but I know there is a lot about me you don’t know, it only goes so far. Imagine a new couple on a second or third date. One person looks deep in the other’s eyes and says those three powerful words. “I love you.” The other person feels a thrill run through their body. After all, we all deeply desire to be loved! Their heart rate leaps forward. Some adrenalin begins to flow. Dopamine levels in the brain increase, giving a sense of well-being and pleasure.

But then, there is this little voice in their head that says, “But they don’t know about your political views. They don’t realize there are times you can be really selfish. They haven’t seen your temper. Or that funky looking little toe. Or that you drool when you take a nap. There is so much they do not know about you. And if they knew it ALL, there is no way they would be saying ‘I love you’ right now.”

The heart slows down and the adrenaline and dopamine levels return to normal. It is nice that they think they love you. “Comforting” Keller says. But it only goes so far. Superficial indeed.

But… if you had to choose, being loved but not known is a lot better than the alternative, being known and not loved. I’ll explore that some in my next post.

A few years back my siblings and I discovered my grandmother’s recipe box. It has been a real treat using her old recipes to recreate some of the cookies we enjoyed when we were kids. This year my brother had a special request. Would I be willing to try and make her “church window” cookies? I gave them a shot, and the results are pictured above. Basically they are chocolate, nuts, marshmallows, butter, and coconut.

Sweetness on top of sweetness on top of sweetness! Now that is a Christmas cookie!

Most people would tell you that John’s gospel does not contain the Christmas story. And it certainly does not have the details of Matthew or Luke. But the first chapter of John’s gospel has these words: “And the Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.” (John 1:14) It’s hard to read those words at this time of year and not picture a baby in a Bethlehem manger! In that manger we find a profound mystery. The Word through whom the universe was created, the fullness of God himself, now contained in a helpless infant. The Word became flesh indeed!

And then a couple verses later John makes this stunning claim: “From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.” (v. 16) Jesus comes bringing a gift for all to receive. Grace upon grace. Sweetness on top of sweetness.

Different translators and theologians over the years have struggled to express the depth of this concept. One translation has, “one blessing after another.” Another says, “blessing upon blessing heaped upon us.” Yet another says, “grace after grace,” and then notes that “grace under Christ replaces grace under the law.” Maybe my favorite is, “every one of us has shared in his riches-there is grace in our lives because of his grace.”

When I was making those church window cookies this year I kept thinking of that verse, and this concept of a God who comes to us to bring us grace on top of grace. I was also thinking about the sad truth that “church windows” (or the people inside them) don’t often communicate that grace to people from the LGBTQ+ community.

How can we be people full of grace for all? People who reflect the fullness of God’s grace found in Jesus?

A number of different studies will tell you what you probably already know: The vast majority of LGBTQ+ people leave their church family when they come out. Normally this happens somewhere around age 18. Because a lot of other young people leave the church around the same time (as they head off to college, move away, etc.) many churches may not even know what happened. Worst of all, most churches would be stunned to hear the “why” behind LGBTQ+ people leaving!

You may think that LGBTQ+ people leave the church they grew up in because they have been judged or looked down on once it became known that they were gay. And that certainly can happen. Or you may think they left because of the doctrinal stance of their particular church body or congregation. That may indeed be true as well. But consider this quote from one person who was sharing their story with a friend of mine:

“I left the church because I could not find one person who cared to listen to my story. I mean really listen.”

I’ve shown that quote to a number of LGBTQ+ people who were raised in the church and they all shake their head in agreement. One told me how he had gone to his pastor and almost immediately the pastor interrupted his story to begin discussing the theological ramifications. Another shared that they came out to their church small group, only to find that all their future discussions in that group became shallow and awkward.

By the time someone comes out they have already been on quite a journey. (If you want to read one well-written account of what that journey can be like, I highly recommend Justin Lee’s book Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate.) Sharing the story of that journey is crucial, and listening to that story is a wonderful act of care and grace. Of all the places where sharing that story could happen (family, work, social settings, etc.), shouldn’t the church family be one of the safest and most open places for that story to be told? But sadly for many LGBTQ+ people the church was the LAST place they felt comfortable enough to talk openly and freely about their journey and their struggles. And so they left.

I think the biggest reason for this is that so many churches see themselves more as comfortable place for those who have their act together rather than a place for people who are hurting or broken to find healing and hope. If we are honest, we all have our issues and struggles. Is your church family a place where you can be open and honest about that? Or a place where you feel like you have to hide those issues and struggles to be comfortable? Is there someone in your church that “really listens” to you when you need them to?

If we want LGBTQ+ people to stay a part of the family as they come out and become adults, or if we want our church to be a place where LGBTQ+ people who have become disconnected from the church can find a new church home, it all starts with this: Be willing to listen!

“To answer before listening… that is folly and shame.” Proverbs 18:13

“You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted. You encourage them and you listen to them.” Psalm 10:17