I have heard the story again and again. The whole family is gathered together for Thanksgiving (or Christmas, or New Year’s) and someone asks for everyone’s attention. They have an announcement to make. It may go something like this…
“I want you all to know that I am gay. And my friend Stephen who is going to stop by for dessert later? He’s not just my friend, but we are together. I hope you guys will come to love him as I do.”
-or-
“Please call me River moving forward. I’ve known for quite a while now that I am trans and hope you will use she/her when referring to me. You all mean a lot to me and your support is really important to me.”
When parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, or others tell me this story, they are normally struggling to understand how best to respond. They often feel like they didn’t react well in the moment, and are looking for advice on how to move forward. If you find yourself in this situation right now, here is what I would recommend:
1. Reach out to them as soon as possible. Coming out to the family took a huge amount of courage. Whether people reacted well or poorly in the moment, he/she/they are nervously waiting to see what happens next. Call or text them. Find a time to get together if they are close. FaceTime or Zoom with them so they can see your face, because they are looking for both verbal and nonverbal signs that you still love and accept them. Don’t leave them hanging. Connect quickly and assure them that you care.
2. Ask them how they feel they were received. Don’t be surprised if they have some fears and concerns. Remind them that, while they have been thinking and living with this for a long time (sometimes for years!) this is all new to you. Ask for their patience and help.
3. Use their preferred name and pronouns. You might feel reluctant to do that for religious or political reasons. Get over it! There is nothing sinful or socially irresponsible in calling people what they want to be called. You aren’t condoning anything or making a political statement. You are simply being caring and polite.
4. Listen to their story. Ask about how they came to understand this aspect of their life. One of the greatest gifts we can give to another person is our undivided attention as they share what has been going on in their life.
5. Tell them clearly that there is nothing they could ever do that would make you stop loving and caring for them. Whatever happens, you will be there for them.
6. Finally, make sure you are clear on how “out” they are. Is it OK if you tell others about this, or is this just for immediate family to know about for now? If they want the broader family and friend circles to know, ask how you can help. If they want this information held more closely, promise you will honor their wishes. (And keep that promise!)
While your holiday went very differently than you planned, the moment when someone shares something deep and personal with those closest to them is precious and sacred. It may have caused you anxiety and fear because you love this person and their future now looks different than you envisioned. You may even feel a little resentful, because the “peaceful family gathering” you hoped for didn’t happen. (Does it ever? LOL)
But I promise you, as time goes on this new perspective of someone you love will feel more and more normal. In fact, you may find it harder and harder to think about them as you did in the past. And for them, not having to hide something so important from their family is an amazing feeling. Future family gatherings can be the best ever as everyone can relax and be their best selves. Isn’t that what family is all about?