A number of different studies will tell you what you probably already know: The vast majority of LGBTQ+ people leave their church family when they come out. Normally this happens somewhere around age 18. Because a lot of other young people leave the church around the same time (as they head off to college, move away, etc.) many churches may not even know what happened. Worst of all, most churches would be stunned to hear the “why” behind LGBTQ+ people leaving!
You may think that LGBTQ+ people leave the church they grew up in because they have been judged or looked down on once it became known that they were gay. And that certainly can happen. Or you may think they left because of the doctrinal stance of their particular church body or congregation. That may indeed be true as well. But consider this quote from one person who was sharing their story with a friend of mine:
“I left the church because I could not find one person who cared to listen to my story. I mean really listen.”
I’ve shown that quote to a number of LGBTQ+ people who were raised in the church and they all shake their head in agreement. One told me how he had gone to his pastor and almost immediately the pastor interrupted his story to begin discussing the theological ramifications. Another shared that they came out to their church small group, only to find that all their future discussions in that group became shallow and awkward.
By the time someone comes out they have already been on quite a journey. (If you want to read one well-written account of what that journey can be like, I highly recommend Justin Lee’s book Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate.) Sharing the story of that journey is crucial, and listening to that story is a wonderful act of care and grace. Of all the places where sharing that story could happen (family, work, social settings, etc.), shouldn’t the church family be one of the safest and most open places for that story to be told? But sadly for many LGBTQ+ people the church was the LAST place they felt comfortable enough to talk openly and freely about their journey and their struggles. And so they left.
I think the biggest reason for this is that so many churches see themselves more as comfortable place for those who have their act together rather than a place for people who are hurting or broken to find healing and hope. If we are honest, we all have our issues and struggles. Is your church family a place where you can be open and honest about that? Or a place where you feel like you have to hide those issues and struggles to be comfortable? Is there someone in your church that “really listens” to you when you need them to?
If we want LGBTQ+ people to stay a part of the family as they come out and become adults, or if we want our church to be a place where LGBTQ+ people who have become disconnected from the church can find a new church home, it all starts with this: Be willing to listen!
“To answer before listening… that is folly and shame.” Proverbs 18:13
“You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted. You encourage them and you listen to them.” Psalm 10:17