In my last blog post I explored the reasons why some Christians refuse to use a person’s preferred pronouns, and concluded that using someone’s preferred pronouns simply makes grammatical sense. In that post I wrote:
The most common usage of pronouns in America today is to use them to refer to someone’s self-affirmed gender. So when I say, “he” about someone I am NOT saying “this person is male,” I am saying “this person says he is male.” That fact is true whether you believe they are male or not. Or whether you believe God says they are male or not. All you are doing is recognizing what they believe about themself.
(If you want to read the full post you can find it here.)
But I believe there is an even more important reason to use the pronouns someone prefers you use: It’s the loving and caring thing to do. I believe this for a couple reasons.
Reason #1: Using a person’s preferred pronouns communicates that you care for and value that person.
One trans person put it this way: “If someone refused to use my pronouns (not just screwed up, but refused), it was an explicit confirmation that they didn’t value me for who I was.” Another said, “I felt the message was that I am a toxic leper who needs to be banished outside of society. They cannot allow themselves to be defiled by the use of ‘wrong’ pronouns.” Or to put it in a more positive way, another person said, “Using my pronouns didn’t mean people agreed with me or my decision to transition. It just meant that they viewed me as equally human and deserving of respect.”
When we use the pronouns people prefer we are telling them we respect and value them. When we refuse we communicate our own beliefs and feelings are more important than theirs, whether that is what we want to communicate or not.
The Apostle Paul’s first words to the people of Athens are interesting. (Acts 17:22ff). Some might argue that it would have been more truthful and have more integrity for Paul to say, “People of Athens, you are pagans who worship many false gods. I see evidence of this all over your city.” But instead Paul says, “People of Athens, I can see that you are very religious in all things. As I was going through your city, I saw the many objects of your worship.” One statement shuts the door and communicates, “I know better than you.” The other opens the door for deeper conversation and relationship. Using a person’s preferred pronouns does the same.
Reason #2 – Using a person’s preferred pronouns is the safest thing to do.
Consider the following situation: an individual you have known for years has transitioned and is now living as a different gender than you once knew them to be. If you insist on using their former pronouns, every time you do that you risk “outing” them to the people around you… people who may not know their story. This might be embarrassing for them. But it also could have serious consequences for their employment, relationships, and even their physical safety. Violence against trans people is on the rise and exposing them puts them at risk.
Or worse yet, using pronouns other than someone’s preferred pronouns might push someone who is struggling emotionally into self harm. You risk reawakening previous experiences of trauma and rejection.
When I was a seventh grade teacher I had a girl in my class that was an exceptional student and a bright light in the classroom. But suddenly that bright light dimmed and her grades began to suffer. Her mother and I were at a total loss and unable to ascertain what was causing the abrupt change. We feared drug use or some other destructive behavior. Finally, in tears one night she opened up to her mom. She had been abused by her father when she was much younger. Those feelings had been buried down deep and when our class began a study of the Lord’s Prayer in religion class I had emphasized how important it was to see God as “Our Father.” All her hurts and struggles came roaring back. Had I known I am sure I would have been much more careful in helping her, and the whole class, see the difference between earthly parents who are sinful and a Heavenly Father who is loving and perfect!
Who is to say that your refusal to respect someone’s pronoun choices might not be the spark that brings previous rejection and pain roaring back? You may think you are making a theological point, but instead you might be causing dangerous harm.
The Apostle Paul wrote, “I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some” (1 Corinthians 9:22). Pastor and author Caleb Kaltenbach echos this sentiment when he says, “I will do anything, short of sinning, to maintain influence in the life of the LGBTQ people I know.” In both of these statements there is a radical openness to consider the joys, wants, and needs of another person, all for the sake of showing them God’s love and grace. I know some Christians claim that using anything other than the pronouns that align with a person’s assigned sex is sin. I find their arguments faulty and as a result I remain unconvinced. As a result I will always do my best to use the pronouns that people prefer. I believe that is the loving and Christ-like thing to do!