The name for this ministry was inspired by a quote from pastor, author, and theologian Tim Keller. He wrote it in his book, “The Meaning of Marriage.” Here is the quote in its full context:
“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” (p. 87)
Let’s think about the first part of that quote together for a minute. What does it mean to be, “loved but not known?”
If you tell me you love me, but I know there is a lot about me you don’t know, it only goes so far. Imagine a new couple on a second or third date. One person looks deep in the other’s eyes and says those three powerful words. “I love you.” The other person feels a thrill run through their body. After all, we all deeply desire to be loved! Their heart rate leaps forward. Some adrenalin begins to flow. Dopamine levels in the brain increase, giving a sense of well-being and pleasure.
But then, there is this little voice in their head that says, “But they don’t know about your political views. They don’t realize there are times you can be really selfish. They haven’t seen your temper. Or that funky looking little toe. Or that you drool when you take a nap. There is so much they do not know about you. And if they knew it ALL, there is no way they would be saying ‘I love you’ right now.”
The heart slows down and the adrenaline and dopamine levels return to normal. It is nice that they think they love you. “Comforting” Keller says. But it only goes so far. Superficial indeed.
But… if you had to choose, being loved but not known is a lot better than the alternative, being known and not loved. I’ll explore that some in my next post.